Thanksgiving

Yesterday my homegroup had a belated thanksgiving. I never would have thought of topping sweet potatoes with marshmallows. Sounds revolting but its sooooo good. The best bit about thanksgiving though has to be the bit every person says what they are thankful for. You sit there listening to all these different things and realise how blessed you are, how many gifts God lavishes on us.

Its not often that my course helps to strengthen what a believe but a few weeks ago I had to read through the whole of the book of Leviticus for a lecture. Now most people would suggest that if you want to read the whole bible cover to cover, Leviticus is not the place to start. The reason why is because its full of so many rules and regulations, covering so many different things from sin offerings to how to treat mildew. A lot of people say its really dull but I really enjoyed reading it. I enjoyed reading it because it shows how holy God is. So holy that only one person can have access to God for one day a year in the holy of holies. For everyone to be right with God, there were so many things that had to be done. It really makes you thankful for Jesus. Reading Leviticus and following the law seems so hard. I'd struggle to remember all these different sacrifices and practices never mind actually being able to carry them out. I'd never be able to do it and I'd never be able to come to a place where I can sit in God's presence and just be. Because of what Jesus did for me, for mankind on the cross 2000 years ago I can cme before the heavenly throne and worship him-its pretty amazing. We have this very cushy fuzzy understanding of God's love and frequently forget about how holy God is. He can not and will not tolerate sin. Leviticus makes that very clear. I shouldn't be anywhere near God. I could never be good enough no matter what I do, how hard I try. But because of Jesus, I can come into God's presence, rest in him, be with him, talk to him and be his child, all because one man was the perfect sacrifice. And for that I am thankful.

Fix You

Time:3:40pm
Where:home missing lecture
Drinking:Tea
Wearing:Jeans and hoodie
Thinking:I hate life
Listening to :Fix you by coldplay (I know coldplay is a little depressing but go with me on this one)

That song could be the sound track of my life at the moment. I feel really low and I'm trying to piece together all the shards of my life. I was talking to the college chaplain earlier and he said that God's not going to let me go. I believe that I really do. (this is where stubbornness comes in handy). I know he wont. It just sometimes helps to have someone else say it.

I'd never paid so much attention to the lyrics before and they just seem to really speak into the situation that I'm in right now, how I'm thinking, how I'm feeling. I feel really strongly that these lyrics would be what God is trying to say to me right now.

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

Broken

I feel a house of cards has fallen
I feel hopelessly alone
I feel I am lost without him
I feel I am broken

I feel used and rejected
I feel tears fall down my face
I feel every day is harder
I feel I am broken

I feel empty and I'm useless
I feel torn and I'm bruised
I feel hope no longer lives here
I feel I am broken

I feel inside I am screaming
I feel I wish I was numb
I feel this pain is never ending
I feel I am broken

Aparently I'm an Idealist

I did this quiz and both me and my house mate Debs think that this sums me up quite well.

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF) You are a passionate, caring, and unique person.You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily.Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend.Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test

busy busy busy

"We're busy doing nothing working the whole day through

t't it just trying to find lots of things not to do

We're busy going nowhere isn't it just a crime

We'd like to be unhappy but

We we never do have the time"

I wish.

My version

I'm busy doing lots- don't have time to write a song

Just floating by

I'm finally going to see the Wallace and gromit film this evening. I don't care that its a kiddies film- really I never left my childhood. It's the break I need form the barrage of course work. I'm up to my eyeballs in my dissertation not to mention an essay on Duetoronomy 12-26 to be working on. As usual I seem to lull about as though I'm on a mechanical converyorbelt until every so often someone gives me a prod and I realise that there is life beyond my degree. A scary thought admittedly because it means I need to do a lot of thinking about my future which is straggle because until a couple of years ago I never really thought I had one.

I just feel so tired at the moment, drained even and its when I'm in this state I forget what is going on around me. I forget about all the blessings in life. I forget all of God's promises to me. I forget all the people that are around me because all I want to do right now is sleep. I was talking to one of the freshers this afternoon and she reminded of some amazing stuff from Christian union on Tuesday. We run around living our lives filling it with stuff that really isn't that important. We do degrees and then at the end of 3 years think what now. We think that things like careers, relationships and job, qualifications will fulfill us and make us truly happy but then we qualify, find a relationship, find thee job of our dreams and yet still feel empty. Why do we always think that the grass is greener on the other side? We strive for things that are really nice and likened to shiny things but they don't really matter. The bottom line is that I believe every human being has a God shaped hole in them and we are trying to ignore that hole. We are trying to fill it with anything and everything we can think of that we think is desirable and then are unsatisfied. I can't help thinking that I keep on doing this, going to lectures, writing essays, filling my days with meetings- prayer meetings even and yet I'm still ignoring this God shaped hole. I often don't think about what I'm doing, I don't recognize that I'm living my life as though I'm on a production line until someone comes along and reminds me that life isn't about getting a nice cushy 9-5 Job(8-3:30 for teachers!). Life is about worship. I was created to worship God and I spend too much time not doing it. I just let myself float along, not thinking, not feeling, just getting on and yet wondering why I feel so flat.

Panic!!!

I have my first exam tomorrow and I don't know anything. Too much stuff and too many blokes with German names that all sound the same. Es gipt nischt gut!!! Me not liking this exam thi ng. I am so not prepared for this exam its not funny. Tomorrow's is the worst of the lot of them. I just can't wait till its over.
As well at that, I still haven't sorted my dissertation. I've got work comingm out of my ears!

Finally!

It took the Carphone warehouse 5 days to finally connect my phone. It works- I can make calls and send text messages and everything- trae exciting. I know I know, its no big deal really but I am a mobile phone junkie. I feel lost without it and when most people only have your mobile number I did feel a bit like I'd lost touch with the world. I still need to write a nasty letter of complaint to the carphone warehouse. I might try and bill them for all the money I spenk calling various call centres to get my phone fixed. I'd probably be lucky if I even manage to get an appology out of them. Normally I'd just let it go and not use that company again but I'm stuck with a 12 month contract with them now. I just have to ride it out and hope and pray that nothing else goes wrong. I must admit that it was slightly amusing when one of the call centre people' advice for me was to pray! Which I did do eventually! It just seemed in my head that it was such a silly trivial prayer and was wasting God's time which is rediculous. We can take all things to God. I spend so much time pointing this out to everyone else but somethimes I just have to listen to my own advice.When I finally prayed, my phone started working 2 hours later. It would have sounded like such a silly prayer to make but in the end it was the hundreds of thousands on top of the icing on the cake. When your stress levels are so high that you start crying over a phone I guess you've got to stand back from your pride and let God in. I keep on learning this lesson and re-learning it. Its amazing how quickly you forget things when the slightest bit of stress comes your way.

Carphone Warehouse are Evil

Never buy anything from the carphone warehouse. I decided the other week to change my contract. They told me it would take 10 days- fair enough. However my phone was supposed to be connected 3 days ago. My orange phone has been disconnected- I have no mobile phone- I'm going nuts!!! So far I reckon I have spent at least an hour and a half phoning various call centres, being sent from pillar to post and so far my phone still doesn't work- grrrrr!!! I never knew how many incompetent people there are working in call centres! The standard phone call seems to be me listening to some automated message for about 5 minutes, then being put on hold to listen to awful on hold music (although the last one gave me Sheryl Crow to listen to - not great but definitely an improvement on all the other stuff), then I finally get through to someone, explain the situation, then they hum and hare over which department I should be put through to, only to be put through another automated voice message, then put on hold again- more ghastly music, then finally to speak to another human being as incompetent as the first who suggests I go back and phone orange, then I point out that I no longer have an account with orange, then I get put through to Carphone warehouse O2, more of that delightful on hold music, finally get through to someone, explain the whole situation again and to be told that there was a technical fault, they will try to get my phone sorted as soon as possible and the best advice they can give me is to turn my phone off and check it every hour in case my phone is sorted. Oh and of course, they are very sorry. So far I have had 4 or 5 conversations that have gone like this. Oh what joy.

AAAHGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

The day of the mundane

So much to do, so little time, all of it dull. I've got revision coming out of my ears, essays to write, notes to sort, prayer meetings to organize, dissertation to decide...I feel like I have once again turned into an auto-pilot zombie lacking any emotional capacity to notice what on earth is going on. The best thing is that I have another month of this. I guess I'm trying not to think about it because when I finally do, it will dawn on me how much trouble I'm in because I have no time or brain! Until that great awakening, I'll just carry on flitting around vacantly.

Dedicated to Deborah

I have had my wrist slapped and have been severely reprimanded by my housemate for not blogging frequently enough. This is my attempt to make amends to all you wonderful people who oh so love to read my blogs. Since my last blog, Luke has met my mum and my best friend.(fast mover) My mum now seems to think she has a second son and KT sent me a text saying "I like this one, I think you should keep him". Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!! I suppose I could feed and water him and take him for walks round the blocks every day.
My college work actually is getting done now. I've been reading all about the early church fathers, about Justin Martyr and Iranaeus of Lyon and other such patristic authors. Very interesting. Problem is that my essay in on the council of Chalcedon and not patristics but its kind of related. Its giving me the background I need for my essay. Oh what fun essays are. I really hate essays- why oh why did i choose to do a theology degree!
I really want to write lots of stuff about Luke but I fear I am verging on the nauseating. I think if I mention his name again, Deborah might possibly hit me. Or Pete will. Or both! Pete and I want to the Brixton academy on Saturday to see Feeder and all I could talk about was how depressingly and blissfully happy I was. I think Pete's praying for me.
Hmmmm, I wonder what I should cook for my small group on Thursday. Well- it was only a matter of time before I started talking about food again. I shall have a ponder.
Maybe ratatoue.
Hmmmmmmmmmmm

The makings of a happy carrot

Skippy is a very happy carrot indeed. The reason why responds to the name of Luke! I am currently in a state of nauseating bliss and loving every minute of it!Having had a long...No wait sorry- a very long conversation on Friday night and by long I mean around about 4 hours, My mate Luke and I decided that actually we really quite like each other so now we are the latest CU couple casualty. I think Deborah is despairing of the endless phone calls and text messages. (well- if we're going to be really nauseating, we've got to do it properly!) I get the strong impression that she really wants to say eewwwwwwwwwww yuck! But this far she has been quite restrained.
Since Friday, I have met his family and they are really lovely. I don't do things by halves- by his family I mean, mum dad, brother, granddad, aunts and cousins. I think his family think I'm really keen. I just like to look at it as getting it over and done with. Having said that though, his family are really lovely. That and his mum got out the baby photos! Luke ofcourse was really appreciative of that one. They were rather disappointingly thin on the ground on embarrassing stories. They weren't able to tell me anything Luke hadn't already told me, with the exception of one story which I couldn't possibly repeat!
Having survived the family, we got round to having our first date yesterday. Before we started seeing eachother, I wouldn't have had Luke down as a soppy one. He took me to see Pooh's heffalump movie- tre cool. True to form, I got very excited every time I saw Eeyore. I then spent the next couple of hours trying and failing miserably to prize out of Luke where we were going for dinner. Now this is the really slushy bit- sick bags at the ready- He took me for a dinner cruise along the Thames- very swanky! I think I spent the first half hour going' oh my Goodness- I can't believe you've done this!'. We then proceeded to try and suss out what all the glasses were for. This was one of those dinners where you get so many sets of cutlery that you don't know what to do with. Again, I wouldn't have had Luke down as such a romantic. I don't think he'll be able to live this down fro quite a while. I did try and tell him that I would have been perfectly happy with a bag of chips from the chip van at waterloo but hey! He said he wanted to give me an eveing that I'd always remember and I don't think I will be forgetting it in a hurry.
Best thing of all- he bought me a bag of haribo. Alas- I am easily pleased!

Thumper is not a clever bunny rabbit!

Yesterday's events of great hilarity saw me being rechristened thumper as a result of the dregs of my tea masala and me managing to get chili in my eye. Oh what a smart cookie I am for that one. I don't think I've ever been in so much pain. I made myself a lovely stirfry for dinner and put a nice green chili in it it was really yummy. I forgot to wash my hands though and rubbed my eye, ran round the house screaming and then held the shower head over my eye. Then decided that having to kneel on the bathroom floor in what was probably the most uncomfortable position ever was not the way forward and besides that, I really wanted to eat the rest of my dinner so I then spent the next 20 minutes with an ice-cube wrapped in a tissue over my eye. Oh what fun.
I'm loving this glorious sunny weather. It feels like summer again. For some reason, the sun shine put me in such a good mood that I wanted to get my college work done so I spent the afternoon reading Owen Chadwick's Religion in the Victorian era, volume 1 (a must for every insomniac) whilst watching the rugby. Which was nice.
I do however still need to write an essay for Monday. I am so behind in my college work now. Personally I like to blame my lea for getting me suspended but hey.

The health plan

I keep on telling myself (and my housemates) that I'm going to watch what I eat and am going to go running round Kennington park every week. Since I moved in, I have been running once. So the active part is going well. As for the eating part- I'd like to draw your attention to my previous post. Yes- I really did eat an entire strudel but it was good. Just had a conversation on messenger with my mate Stu. Bit odd. Haven't seen or spoken to him in ages. Its funny how friendships fade with time. We used to get on really well and I saw him almost every day when I was working in Cambridge but now I hardly see him. I could name so many people I know like that. People who you think of and wonder how they're getting on quite often but never get around to ringing them. Then you get to the akward point where you feel as though you've left it too long so you don't speak to them. If I were to go through my mobile and look at my address book, there will be people on it whop I haven't spoken to in months, years even. There's even some people who I can't even remember who they are. Why do I leave things so long.
I keep telling myself I need to be fitter, healthier, more organised, I take notice for a couple of days and then go back to bad habbits. Must do some college work.hmmmmmmmmm...

Quote of the Week

I was so depressed I ate a whole strudel.

I'll never say life is dull again!

Haven't posted in ages- whoopsie!!!
What an eventful week I had last week. On Thursday I got home from college, knowing that my suspension over tuition fees was imminent to receive two letters. I open the first one which was from my lea saying that they were going to be paying my tuition fees- result. I thought 'hoorah!' I can take it tomorrow so I wont get suspended. Then I opened the next letter- 'you have been suspended in accordance with college regulation 2:2:3:whatever! NoT good! So I had to run into college on Friday- my day off- to sort it all out. Apparently as its my lea that have messed up, the suspension wont be going on my permanent record. Praise God it didn't stop me from going to any lectures. Technically I shouldn't have gone in on Thursday but I didn't know I'd been suspended.
I've finally got round to taking Clive round to the laptop doctors to get fixed. The discovery that Clive was still under guarantee was a nice happy one. Unfortunately the lovely people at John Lewis said that it would take 3-6 weeks to make Clive all better again. Fortunately the people at John Lewis (did I mention that they are lovely?!) have lent me a temporary laptop to use SO I can get m,y essays done-whoohoo!
So there I was with Mr Temporary laptop, blissfully unaware that it didn't have a floppy drive. I don't have a printer and It wouldn't let me save on to CD and I don't have one of those sticky things either- not that a sticky thing would do much good because the collage computers are so archaic that they don't have sticky thing sockets. In the end I had to install the internet and sign up for a free internet trial so I could e-mail my essay to myself so I could print it off in college!
So the state of play at the moment is this- I have laptop, I can work all hours of the night if my heart desires, I'm now writing the Nth overdue essay (I lost count a long time ago) And I've lost my ID card-bother!!!
On the plus side, I had a CU leadership training weekend last weekend which was fab. We were looking at the book of 2 Timothy. Fantastic book- if you haven't read it- you must! I found it really encouraging to look at a church leader who was really young, was about to loose his personal friend and mentor, was scared, was losing people from the church left right and centre, was ridiculed and feeling really timid and felt like giving up. How many times in my life do I feel like that. I used to thing that all the guys in the bible were ok- they were really sorted and as the years went on we just gradually messed things up. Then I actually read the bible- these guys make the same mistakes we do, mess up just as frequently and yet God used them to do amazing things. I'm not a natural born leader, I know that but I know that God has called me to be the CU prayer secretary. Not because I'm some super spiritual and amazing intercessor but because I am a real person who has real issue and through those things God can really work in my life and shine through. Through my weaknesses God can do his thing and achieve amazing things.
Wherever I'm at and whatever I'm doing, I can always come to God in prayer although I don't always when I need to (I'm working on it) I am a very busy person due to the fact that I'm drowning in a see of essays. In by business something gets pushed aside. That something should be TV or something like that but more often than not It's my quiet times that get pushed aside. In the grand scheme of things, that should be the last thing I push aside- there is nothing more important that spending time with God trough reading the Bible and to come to the Almighty in prayer. That should be the last thing that should be pushed to one side. There is nothing more important, especially when you are busy than to slow down for a bit and come into God's presence and to rest in him for a while.
I feel that as Prayer sec I have got so much to learn but right now I am really aware of God working with me and through me. 7 months ago I would never have prayer out loud. I'm now leading prayer meetings and trying to encourage the CU to pray. I feel that God's going to do amazing things but he can only do those things if I take the time to let him.

Pigs really do fly

I went for a run on Thursday- hurrah! I think both my housemates were quite supprised but miracles do happen- I went running. I am still aching because I didn't warm up properly- should really learn how to do that. I'm sat in the college computer room trying to type up an essay on the colloquy of Marburg (just smile and knod) although I managed to bring all my notes with me except the ones I actually needed-whoops! Ah well, any whoo I like to think of it as a test of memory- see how much I can remember. Unfortunately I can only remember enough to write about 500 words so Mr essay is going have to wait until tomorrow to be finished. I'm going to go home and have a nice cup of tea.

On a spiritual note- yes I'm going to get all deep now! I've been reading through Judges at the moment- as you do- thought it would be interesting and I can't help thinking that on one level it's a metaphor of my life. Judges follows the Israelites and tells us how basically they completely ignore God, mess up pretty spectacularly and then Get to a point where they actually think- hold on a minute- whoopsie! God, please help us because we're completely useless and we need you desperately. Then God appoints a judge, and then all is well for about 40 years. I do that so often. Despite being a Christian for what- 7 years or so, I still keep on trying to do things in my own strength, failing miserably then crying out- 'Lord help me' and then everything is rosy. Then I go back to trying to deal with things in my own strength. I had one of those moments the other day when this situation came up and my first instinct was to run away. I prayed about it and as I was praying I had this song called he is Yahweh stuck in my head. There's this one line in it which goes- 'The great I AM, he is Yahweh'. I just got this really strong sense that God was trying to say to me 'The Great I AM, I am Yahweh. I am able and I will help you. That kind of blew me away. It still amazes me that no matter how many times I screw up, God still wants me, has plans for me and delights in me. All I can really say is wow. Maybe kow I noticed this pattern in me, I can go on and do something about it. God is amazing.

Back to the grind stone

Alas- I survived the merriment of Christmas to return to yet another year of hope fulfilling new years resolutions that I will inevitably break.
I feel refreshed to have had time off but still have ended up with just as much work to do. My efforts of writing lots of essays were thowted by the inconveniently timed death of my beloved laptop. I was trying to type up my essay on Friday. I have been having problem's recently with the laptop's battery- in that is doesn't seem to work anymore. AC power still seemed to surfice until it just died on me. I thought that maybe taking the battery out and putting it back in again might help- don't know why, I'm not technologically minded, it just seemed like a good idea at the time. As I took the battery out I could hear something rattling about inside it. I though 'this is not a good sign'. I then tilted the laptop on its side and out of the place where you put the battery in, a little, tiny screw fell out and I thought to myself 'this is definitely not a good sign!'
I had to resist the urge to go and hunt down our screwdrivers to opened up my laptop and replace the screw but decided that my insurance probably wouldn't cover acts of stupidity. I now have to take my laptop somewhere to be repaired and be charged extortionate amounts of money which I do not have for the prevailed. Yay!

I've decided that I'm going to start running again. Something I've always said I'm going to do and am still telling myself that I'm going to do it and eventually I actually will do it! I am ridiculously unfit. It would be nice to turn up to a lecture without feeling like I've just run the London marathon because I'm running late and have to run up 6 flights of stairs! Alternatively I could just turn up on time but it really doesn't seem to make a difference how early I wake up, I inevitably still will end up running late. No- really must start running, I promised Deborah I would, and it would be kind of nice to look half decent at KT'S wedding. Hmmm, may go running later this afternoon....Well... Lets not go crazy. I do still need to go to tesco's! And get my laptop fixed, failing that- find a scrap metal merchant. Anyone know any?