Footprints

Did I leave any footprints in your life?
Did you take the time to look?
You didn't even notice
just erase your memories
Its easier after all

And why should you notice
What was my contribution to anyone?
Barely a picture of a former me
Noone likes the shadows

I don't want to bring you down
Its just simpy easier to hide
Its not like anyone would notice anyway
Would I really me missed?

Did I leave any footprints in your life
Did you take the time to look?
You didn't even notice
Just erase your memories
Its easier afterall

I'm staring at blank walls
There must be more than this?
And why can't I cry my tears
No one sees anyway

And how could I ever tell you
how you make me feel
How could I ever say
why are you never there for me?

Did I leave anf footprints in your life
Did you take the time to look?
You didn't even notice
Just erase your memories
Its easier afterall

For everyone else you're dependable
But you're never there for me
I'll fend for myself somehow
Its what I usually do

Its what I'm expected to do

Did I leave any footprints?
I don't think I did
If i had I wouldn't be alone now
I shouldn't be here

Did I leave any footprints?
none of you seem to notice

Did I leave any foot prints?

Just erase your memories
Its easier afterall

Did i leave any footprints?

When you try your best but you don't succeed, stuck in reverse (Coldplay)

Its that time of year again
I should be living life in the fast line
but all I really want to do is stand still.

When all I can see is an endless barrage of coursework and essays and churning emotions I feel more than ever a need for a break. I feel like I've completely lost any sense of priority or self worth and have become a one track record that is only able to think about what appears to me to be the inevitable impending failure that lies before me.

I feel like I have spent the whole year trying to fight off a label that one who was once so near and dear to me told me and in some ways its baffling that what is mere words can colour my entire perception so strongly. But I can't shift the label. I can still here his words reverberating in my head telling me that in his expert opinion I am 'clinically depressed'. Why is it that when the medical opinion tells me its not the case I still listen to him?

Why is it that words which are said in the heat of the moment last and walk with you for a life time and what really keeps me awake at night is were those two simple words only in the heat of the moment? I feel stupid because the way I've felt and the way all this has effected me has allowed him absolution of any responsibly and has supported his theory. I've had to stand aside as a bystander and watch someone take over what was once my life and feel so isolated from friends I care about, not wanting to make them choose between us. I want to hide behind nobility and say this is the reason why but in reality when you are as messed up as I am you can't see why anyone would choose you.

So what am I left with? I feel like all my aspirations have died. My degree feels like a distant and faint hope and as for my career as a teacher, it feels like nothing more than a pipe dream. People would say that all this isn't real, this is just illness talking but maybe, just maybe its time I finally faced up to the reality that graduation is a lot further away than I hoped.

My dreams are dead and I'm all alone.