Apologies for being useless- I haven't blogged in aaages!!! I started writing a post on the problem of pain but got a little distrcted by 'Where is God when it hurts' by Philip Yancey (as you do). If you haven't read it I recomend you do.
So exams are over and I'm trying to figure out what to do with myself for the next couple of months. I need to find somewhere to live and I need to find a job. I'm not very good at having ucertainties hanging over my head and at the moment there seems to be a lot of big ones. I don't like being in a state of limbo, I like to keep busy, to be useful but I guess every now and then you are forced to slow down. Yesterday to keep myself busy I thought I'd give the house a tidy. In the process of washing up I managed to break a glass and slice my finger- it was very exciting. I'll spare you the gory details but it was bleeding for over an hour and to look at it now it really doesn't look all that impressive. Today my house is still in a mess and everything is taking twice as long to do because of my finger. Needless to say, this is not good potatoes. In general I want everything to be done by yesterday but what is the hurry? It isn't like I have a fully packed schedule for the next few days.
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Patience is a virtue
Yesterday I was at a wedding. A couple of friends of mine from my homegroup at church finally tied the knott. Despite the oh so lovely rain it was a wonderful wedding. I don't think I've ever seen Lizzy looking so radient and as as for Ben, he had this wide smile on his face all day.
They had asked me to sing In Christ alone during the signing of the regesters and I cannot tell you how nervous I was. I'm no stranger to singing in public but weddings are different, its someone's big day so you really don't want to mess it up! (not that you'd want to particularly want to mess it up in general but you get what I mean) I was absouloutely fine during the service, I walked to the back of the church during the last hymn to stand by baby grand piano and yet the nerves were still kept at bay. That was until the accompanist started playing the introduction. From then on the lower part of my body felt like the consistancy of jelly and it didn't help that one of my friends had told me she was going to film me just before I started singing. I gazed at the congregation and lo and behold, there was this camcorder pointed in my direction. Nerves aside, I thouroughly enjoyed it. I love weddings, I love being part of someone's special day and whitnessing the couple making promises before their friends, their family eahother and ultimately before God. To be asked to sing just was being asked to participate in their day and to be able to do that for two people you care about is a very special thing, to be an active part of the celebration.
And a celebration it was. Ben and Lizzy had known eachother for so long. They initially started going out together when they were twelve and had been serious about eachother for the last five years. 14 years is a very long time. I can remember when Ben was working down in Bristol two years ago, Lizzy was sat in our home group asking us to pray for patience. She really wanted to get married but it wasn't the right time. A year later, Ben had moved back to London and had planned this elaborate proposal for Lizzy and she didn't have a clue. Yesterday they got married. I am humbled and astounded by Lizzy's patience. I look at my life now and see something that is very messy and very patchy because at the moment I can't see the complete picture. And yet I'm itching to shee what the complete picture looks like. I don't know how things are going to pan out in my life and I lack the patience see how things will work out.
I'm going to be 24 next week which really scares me. I remember when I was little thinking that I'd get married when I was 24 and would have 4 kids and would be this amazing career woman as a graphics designer. Ok so I don't want to be a graphics designer and maybe 4 kids is a bit much but would I like to get married one day? Yes I would. Where I am at the moment, marrage is a long way off, maybe wont happen either. I've always felt able to trust God in who I end up marrying but since I split with my ex I have realised that I haven't been able to trust God with the possibility of staying single. I still have issues from the breakup, its as if it has left me covered in a layer of grime that gradually I'm trying to clean off. No one can see the real me yet, how I should be but gradually as I work through my issues you begin to see scratches in this layer of grime and you start so see something shining through. That is the stage I am at at the moment and it could well be a long process for so many reasons and I know that God has perfect timeing. Do I relly believe that in my heart though? Do I really have the patience to let God work in me? I find it so hard to in all honesty. But I do know God hasn't finished with me yet. I just need to have a little patience.
They had asked me to sing In Christ alone during the signing of the regesters and I cannot tell you how nervous I was. I'm no stranger to singing in public but weddings are different, its someone's big day so you really don't want to mess it up! (not that you'd want to particularly want to mess it up in general but you get what I mean) I was absouloutely fine during the service, I walked to the back of the church during the last hymn to stand by baby grand piano and yet the nerves were still kept at bay. That was until the accompanist started playing the introduction. From then on the lower part of my body felt like the consistancy of jelly and it didn't help that one of my friends had told me she was going to film me just before I started singing. I gazed at the congregation and lo and behold, there was this camcorder pointed in my direction. Nerves aside, I thouroughly enjoyed it. I love weddings, I love being part of someone's special day and whitnessing the couple making promises before their friends, their family eahother and ultimately before God. To be asked to sing just was being asked to participate in their day and to be able to do that for two people you care about is a very special thing, to be an active part of the celebration.
And a celebration it was. Ben and Lizzy had known eachother for so long. They initially started going out together when they were twelve and had been serious about eachother for the last five years. 14 years is a very long time. I can remember when Ben was working down in Bristol two years ago, Lizzy was sat in our home group asking us to pray for patience. She really wanted to get married but it wasn't the right time. A year later, Ben had moved back to London and had planned this elaborate proposal for Lizzy and she didn't have a clue. Yesterday they got married. I am humbled and astounded by Lizzy's patience. I look at my life now and see something that is very messy and very patchy because at the moment I can't see the complete picture. And yet I'm itching to shee what the complete picture looks like. I don't know how things are going to pan out in my life and I lack the patience see how things will work out.
I'm going to be 24 next week which really scares me. I remember when I was little thinking that I'd get married when I was 24 and would have 4 kids and would be this amazing career woman as a graphics designer. Ok so I don't want to be a graphics designer and maybe 4 kids is a bit much but would I like to get married one day? Yes I would. Where I am at the moment, marrage is a long way off, maybe wont happen either. I've always felt able to trust God in who I end up marrying but since I split with my ex I have realised that I haven't been able to trust God with the possibility of staying single. I still have issues from the breakup, its as if it has left me covered in a layer of grime that gradually I'm trying to clean off. No one can see the real me yet, how I should be but gradually as I work through my issues you begin to see scratches in this layer of grime and you start so see something shining through. That is the stage I am at at the moment and it could well be a long process for so many reasons and I know that God has perfect timeing. Do I relly believe that in my heart though? Do I really have the patience to let God work in me? I find it so hard to in all honesty. But I do know God hasn't finished with me yet. I just need to have a little patience.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Happiness, Happiness, the greatest gift that I possess
Pretty much all of the songs I've written have been really depressing- either a depressing version of Alanis Morrisette or a happy version of Radiohead. Anywhoo, my housemate Debs challenged me to write a happy song so thats what I'm doing- huzzah! I'll post up lyrics once I finish it.
In the meantime I have loads of bits and pieces to be getting on with. So short but sweet for today.
In the meantime I have loads of bits and pieces to be getting on with. So short but sweet for today.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Footprints
Did I leave any footprints in your life?
Did you take the time to look?
You didn't even notice
just erase your memories
Its easier after all
And why should you notice
What was my contribution to anyone?
Barely a picture of a former me
Noone likes the shadows
I don't want to bring you down
Its just simpy easier to hide
Its not like anyone would notice anyway
Would I really me missed?
Did I leave any footprints in your life
Did you take the time to look?
You didn't even notice
Just erase your memories
Its easier afterall
I'm staring at blank walls
There must be more than this?
And why can't I cry my tears
No one sees anyway
And how could I ever tell you
how you make me feel
How could I ever say
why are you never there for me?
Did I leave anf footprints in your life
Did you take the time to look?
You didn't even notice
Just erase your memories
Its easier afterall
For everyone else you're dependable
But you're never there for me
I'll fend for myself somehow
Its what I usually do
Its what I'm expected to do
Did I leave any footprints?
I don't think I did
If i had I wouldn't be alone now
I shouldn't be here
Did I leave any footprints?
none of you seem to notice
Did I leave any foot prints?
Just erase your memories
Its easier afterall
Did i leave any footprints?
Did you take the time to look?
You didn't even notice
just erase your memories
Its easier after all
And why should you notice
What was my contribution to anyone?
Barely a picture of a former me
Noone likes the shadows
I don't want to bring you down
Its just simpy easier to hide
Its not like anyone would notice anyway
Would I really me missed?
Did I leave any footprints in your life
Did you take the time to look?
You didn't even notice
Just erase your memories
Its easier afterall
I'm staring at blank walls
There must be more than this?
And why can't I cry my tears
No one sees anyway
And how could I ever tell you
how you make me feel
How could I ever say
why are you never there for me?
Did I leave anf footprints in your life
Did you take the time to look?
You didn't even notice
Just erase your memories
Its easier afterall
For everyone else you're dependable
But you're never there for me
I'll fend for myself somehow
Its what I usually do
Its what I'm expected to do
Did I leave any footprints?
I don't think I did
If i had I wouldn't be alone now
I shouldn't be here
Did I leave any footprints?
none of you seem to notice
Did I leave any foot prints?
Just erase your memories
Its easier afterall
Did i leave any footprints?
Monday, March 06, 2006
When you try your best but you don't succeed, stuck in reverse (Coldplay)
Its that time of year again
I should be living life in the fast line
but all I really want to do is stand still.
When all I can see is an endless barrage of coursework and essays and churning emotions I feel more than ever a need for a break. I feel like I've completely lost any sense of priority or self worth and have become a one track record that is only able to think about what appears to me to be the inevitable impending failure that lies before me.
I feel like I have spent the whole year trying to fight off a label that one who was once so near and dear to me told me and in some ways its baffling that what is mere words can colour my entire perception so strongly. But I can't shift the label. I can still here his words reverberating in my head telling me that in his expert opinion I am 'clinically depressed'. Why is it that when the medical opinion tells me its not the case I still listen to him?
Why is it that words which are said in the heat of the moment last and walk with you for a life time and what really keeps me awake at night is were those two simple words only in the heat of the moment? I feel stupid because the way I've felt and the way all this has effected me has allowed him absolution of any responsibly and has supported his theory. I've had to stand aside as a bystander and watch someone take over what was once my life and feel so isolated from friends I care about, not wanting to make them choose between us. I want to hide behind nobility and say this is the reason why but in reality when you are as messed up as I am you can't see why anyone would choose you.
So what am I left with? I feel like all my aspirations have died. My degree feels like a distant and faint hope and as for my career as a teacher, it feels like nothing more than a pipe dream. People would say that all this isn't real, this is just illness talking but maybe, just maybe its time I finally faced up to the reality that graduation is a lot further away than I hoped.
My dreams are dead and I'm all alone.
I should be living life in the fast line
but all I really want to do is stand still.
When all I can see is an endless barrage of coursework and essays and churning emotions I feel more than ever a need for a break. I feel like I've completely lost any sense of priority or self worth and have become a one track record that is only able to think about what appears to me to be the inevitable impending failure that lies before me.
I feel like I have spent the whole year trying to fight off a label that one who was once so near and dear to me told me and in some ways its baffling that what is mere words can colour my entire perception so strongly. But I can't shift the label. I can still here his words reverberating in my head telling me that in his expert opinion I am 'clinically depressed'. Why is it that when the medical opinion tells me its not the case I still listen to him?
Why is it that words which are said in the heat of the moment last and walk with you for a life time and what really keeps me awake at night is were those two simple words only in the heat of the moment? I feel stupid because the way I've felt and the way all this has effected me has allowed him absolution of any responsibly and has supported his theory. I've had to stand aside as a bystander and watch someone take over what was once my life and feel so isolated from friends I care about, not wanting to make them choose between us. I want to hide behind nobility and say this is the reason why but in reality when you are as messed up as I am you can't see why anyone would choose you.
So what am I left with? I feel like all my aspirations have died. My degree feels like a distant and faint hope and as for my career as a teacher, it feels like nothing more than a pipe dream. People would say that all this isn't real, this is just illness talking but maybe, just maybe its time I finally faced up to the reality that graduation is a lot further away than I hoped.
My dreams are dead and I'm all alone.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Its not easy being green
| You Are Kermit |
 |
The Muppet Personality Test
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Here's one for you to ponder
If there was a fight between one horse sized duck and onehundred duck sized horses, who would win?
Friday, February 10, 2006
Any Takers?
| Your Candy Heart Says "Marry Me" |
 And even if you haven't met the right person, getting married is something you expect to do soon. Your ideal Valentine's Day date: a romantic picnic in the park Your flirting style: subtle and calculating What turns you off: short term flings Why you're hot: you're a hopeless romantic with each new relationship |
What Does Your Candy Heart Say?
Alas- A happy post
'He (Douglas Adams)describes Halford as an inspirational teacher who is still a support. "He once gave me ten out of ten for a story, which was the only time he did throughout his long school career. And even now, when I have a dark night of the soul as a writer and think I can't do this anymore, the thing that I reach for is not the fact that I have had best-sellers or huge advances. It is the fact that Frank Halford once gave me a ten out of ten, and at some fundamental level I must be able to do it."'
(Taken from the Salmon of Doubt by Douglas Adams)
My love for Douglas Adams made me buy this book. I've been wanting to read it for ages. This quote seems to ring very true at the moment. (Well, not literally obviously- no clue who Frank Halford is)
What are the things we cling to in the darker days? The days where we feel everything is hopeless and in all honestly, in my life it often feels that there is no draught of them. Kind words and actions seem to speak volumes. Lately I seem to be almost boasting because I've been hovering at a great low for quite some time, however, I'm not alone. I thank God often that there are people around who have offered me their shoulder to lean on, help me get by. I find it very hard when it gets to 2am, you feel all alone, don't want to ring anyone because its too late and tend to start wallowing, when I feel like I can't do this anymore. When people can't be there, I've found their king words are. I've found that when I don't believe in myself, there are those who do believe in me and that means the world.
When I think about all these guys who have been there for me over the years and especially in the past few weeks and months it suppresses me how many people have been there for me. I'm not going to embarrass people and name everyone but they all know who they are.
Thankyou.
I apologise the soppy sentiment. Will endeavor to be less soppy next time and return to my mediocre depressing song lyrics!
(Taken from the Salmon of Doubt by Douglas Adams)
My love for Douglas Adams made me buy this book. I've been wanting to read it for ages. This quote seems to ring very true at the moment. (Well, not literally obviously- no clue who Frank Halford is)
What are the things we cling to in the darker days? The days where we feel everything is hopeless and in all honestly, in my life it often feels that there is no draught of them. Kind words and actions seem to speak volumes. Lately I seem to be almost boasting because I've been hovering at a great low for quite some time, however, I'm not alone. I thank God often that there are people around who have offered me their shoulder to lean on, help me get by. I find it very hard when it gets to 2am, you feel all alone, don't want to ring anyone because its too late and tend to start wallowing, when I feel like I can't do this anymore. When people can't be there, I've found their king words are. I've found that when I don't believe in myself, there are those who do believe in me and that means the world.
When I think about all these guys who have been there for me over the years and especially in the past few weeks and months it suppresses me how many people have been there for me. I'm not going to embarrass people and name everyone but they all know who they are.
Thankyou.
I apologise the soppy sentiment. Will endeavor to be less soppy next time and return to my mediocre depressing song lyrics!
Saturday, February 04, 2006
The End of One Day Soon
It seems hard to let it go
Bitter tears and shattered dreams
I'm tired of playing all these semantic word games
I still don't know what happened
I still don't feel ready to move on
But I guess I have no choice
Every time I see you with her
Reminds me how easy I'm replaced
I still don't know what I did wrong
I guess that you were never mine
And now its time to let you go
This is the end of one day soon
This was never my choice
Just expected to follow your lead
And somewhere on the way got hopelessly lost
But at least now I know where I stand
I still don't know what I did wrong
I guess that you were never mine
And now its time to let you go
This is the end of one day soon
You always disliked me dreaming
But played Makebelieve a while
Do you blame me when this is real life?
I never makebelieved my heart
I never makebelieved my heart
I still don't know what I did wrong
I guess that you were never mine
And now its time to let you go
This is the end of one day soon
This is the end of one day soon
This is the end of one day soon
Bitter tears and shattered dreams
I'm tired of playing all these semantic word games
I still don't know what happened
I still don't feel ready to move on
But I guess I have no choice
Every time I see you with her
Reminds me how easy I'm replaced
I still don't know what I did wrong
I guess that you were never mine
And now its time to let you go
This is the end of one day soon
This was never my choice
Just expected to follow your lead
And somewhere on the way got hopelessly lost
But at least now I know where I stand
I still don't know what I did wrong
I guess that you were never mine
And now its time to let you go
This is the end of one day soon
You always disliked me dreaming
But played Makebelieve a while
Do you blame me when this is real life?
I never makebelieved my heart
I never makebelieved my heart
I still don't know what I did wrong
I guess that you were never mine
And now its time to let you go
This is the end of one day soon
This is the end of one day soon
This is the end of one day soon
Monday, January 16, 2006
Interesting!
| You are a Black Coffee |
 At your worst, you are: cheap and angsty You drink coffee when: you can get your hands on it Your caffeine addiction level: high |
What Kind of Coffee Are You?
Monday, January 09, 2006
If you seek, you will find
click the left mouse button on the first x and drag it accross to the other x.
X Even when you can't see him, God is there X
X Even when you can't see him, God is there X
Friday, January 06, 2006
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Happy New Year
It's 1st January 2006, its a new year and how do I choose to see in the new year? By writing yet another depressing song. For a change.
Its that time of year
For new beginnings and resolutions
And promises made that you know will be be broken by this time tomorrow
And I'm sitting here
Wondering, praying, feeling, hoping
I will achieve these things this year
That I'll be a good girl
That I'll be brave
That I'll be happy, healthy and a little more Godly
But by this time tomorrow
My head will be a mess
But I'm still hoping
And clinging to this dream
And I dream
That I claim my life back, live each moment
And feel secure in the hope I know is mine
And I dream
I wont just get by but I'll fly away
And saw above with eagles.
And I'll be a good girl
And I'll be brave
And I'll be happy, healthy and a little more Godly
But by this time tomorrow
My head will be a mess
But I'm Still hoping
And clinging to this dream.
Its that time again
I push aside all my disappointments
Of last year's shattered, broken, lost dreams
But What I fear
Is that all that haunts me and scares my soul
Will always remain, will always be here
If I be a good girl
If I be brave
If I be happy, healthy a little more Godly
But by this time tomorrow
My head will be a mess
But I'm still hoping
And clinging to this dream
Its that time of year
For new beginnings and resolutions
And promises made that you know will be be broken by this time tomorrow
And I'm sitting here
Wondering, praying, feeling, hoping
I will achieve these things this year
That I'll be a good girl
That I'll be brave
That I'll be happy, healthy and a little more Godly
But by this time tomorrow
My head will be a mess
But I'm still hoping
And clinging to this dream
And I dream
That I claim my life back, live each moment
And feel secure in the hope I know is mine
And I dream
I wont just get by but I'll fly away
And saw above with eagles.
And I'll be a good girl
And I'll be brave
And I'll be happy, healthy and a little more Godly
But by this time tomorrow
My head will be a mess
But I'm Still hoping
And clinging to this dream.
Its that time again
I push aside all my disappointments
Of last year's shattered, broken, lost dreams
But What I fear
Is that all that haunts me and scares my soul
Will always remain, will always be here
If I be a good girl
If I be brave
If I be happy, healthy a little more Godly
But by this time tomorrow
My head will be a mess
But I'm still hoping
And clinging to this dream
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