Fix You

Time:3:40pm
Where:home missing lecture
Drinking:Tea
Wearing:Jeans and hoodie
Thinking:I hate life
Listening to :Fix you by coldplay (I know coldplay is a little depressing but go with me on this one)

That song could be the sound track of my life at the moment. I feel really low and I'm trying to piece together all the shards of my life. I was talking to the college chaplain earlier and he said that God's not going to let me go. I believe that I really do. (this is where stubbornness comes in handy). I know he wont. It just sometimes helps to have someone else say it.

I'd never paid so much attention to the lyrics before and they just seem to really speak into the situation that I'm in right now, how I'm thinking, how I'm feeling. I feel really strongly that these lyrics would be what God is trying to say to me right now.

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

Broken

I feel a house of cards has fallen
I feel hopelessly alone
I feel I am lost without him
I feel I am broken

I feel used and rejected
I feel tears fall down my face
I feel every day is harder
I feel I am broken

I feel empty and I'm useless
I feel torn and I'm bruised
I feel hope no longer lives here
I feel I am broken

I feel inside I am screaming
I feel I wish I was numb
I feel this pain is never ending
I feel I am broken

Aparently I'm an Idealist

I did this quiz and both me and my house mate Debs think that this sums me up quite well.

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF) You are a passionate, caring, and unique person.You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily.Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend.Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test

busy busy busy

"We're busy doing nothing working the whole day through

t't it just trying to find lots of things not to do

We're busy going nowhere isn't it just a crime

We'd like to be unhappy but

We we never do have the time"

I wish.

My version

I'm busy doing lots- don't have time to write a song

Just floating by

I'm finally going to see the Wallace and gromit film this evening. I don't care that its a kiddies film- really I never left my childhood. It's the break I need form the barrage of course work. I'm up to my eyeballs in my dissertation not to mention an essay on Duetoronomy 12-26 to be working on. As usual I seem to lull about as though I'm on a mechanical converyorbelt until every so often someone gives me a prod and I realise that there is life beyond my degree. A scary thought admittedly because it means I need to do a lot of thinking about my future which is straggle because until a couple of years ago I never really thought I had one.

I just feel so tired at the moment, drained even and its when I'm in this state I forget what is going on around me. I forget about all the blessings in life. I forget all of God's promises to me. I forget all the people that are around me because all I want to do right now is sleep. I was talking to one of the freshers this afternoon and she reminded of some amazing stuff from Christian union on Tuesday. We run around living our lives filling it with stuff that really isn't that important. We do degrees and then at the end of 3 years think what now. We think that things like careers, relationships and job, qualifications will fulfill us and make us truly happy but then we qualify, find a relationship, find thee job of our dreams and yet still feel empty. Why do we always think that the grass is greener on the other side? We strive for things that are really nice and likened to shiny things but they don't really matter. The bottom line is that I believe every human being has a God shaped hole in them and we are trying to ignore that hole. We are trying to fill it with anything and everything we can think of that we think is desirable and then are unsatisfied. I can't help thinking that I keep on doing this, going to lectures, writing essays, filling my days with meetings- prayer meetings even and yet I'm still ignoring this God shaped hole. I often don't think about what I'm doing, I don't recognize that I'm living my life as though I'm on a production line until someone comes along and reminds me that life isn't about getting a nice cushy 9-5 Job(8-3:30 for teachers!). Life is about worship. I was created to worship God and I spend too much time not doing it. I just let myself float along, not thinking, not feeling, just getting on and yet wondering why I feel so flat.

Panic!!!

I have my first exam tomorrow and I don't know anything. Too much stuff and too many blokes with German names that all sound the same. Es gipt nischt gut!!! Me not liking this exam thi ng. I am so not prepared for this exam its not funny. Tomorrow's is the worst of the lot of them. I just can't wait till its over.
As well at that, I still haven't sorted my dissertation. I've got work comingm out of my ears!

Finally!

It took the Carphone warehouse 5 days to finally connect my phone. It works- I can make calls and send text messages and everything- trae exciting. I know I know, its no big deal really but I am a mobile phone junkie. I feel lost without it and when most people only have your mobile number I did feel a bit like I'd lost touch with the world. I still need to write a nasty letter of complaint to the carphone warehouse. I might try and bill them for all the money I spenk calling various call centres to get my phone fixed. I'd probably be lucky if I even manage to get an appology out of them. Normally I'd just let it go and not use that company again but I'm stuck with a 12 month contract with them now. I just have to ride it out and hope and pray that nothing else goes wrong. I must admit that it was slightly amusing when one of the call centre people' advice for me was to pray! Which I did do eventually! It just seemed in my head that it was such a silly trivial prayer and was wasting God's time which is rediculous. We can take all things to God. I spend so much time pointing this out to everyone else but somethimes I just have to listen to my own advice.When I finally prayed, my phone started working 2 hours later. It would have sounded like such a silly prayer to make but in the end it was the hundreds of thousands on top of the icing on the cake. When your stress levels are so high that you start crying over a phone I guess you've got to stand back from your pride and let God in. I keep on learning this lesson and re-learning it. Its amazing how quickly you forget things when the slightest bit of stress comes your way.