Tea Chocolate and Prozac

Casualty

2007-03-15T10:01:00.000Z

The death toll this morning- another 2 dead ones and 2 live ones. This is a nightmare! (although for them our church is a little mousey paradise!) With a building this big its impossible to suss out where they are comming from. There's enough food for them lying round for them in this place, nowonder they are here. Yesterday I went through the fairtrade cupboard and discovered that they are particularly partial to devine milk chocolate- they have taste! On of my collegues joked that if they are only eating the chocolate then they must be female. Deborah's suggestion was that they might be having chocolate cravings because they are pregnant. I really hope not!
I could really have done without this the week before kids club but I guess on the plus side, I'm having to clean every last millimeter of this church maticulously. By the time I'm done, this place will be sparkling.

P-O-W

2007-03-14T17:16:00.000Z

Casualty count:
4 fatalities
1 Prisoner of war

Mouse Watch

2007-03-14T15:15:00.000Z

At the request of the lovely Miss Wong- welcome to the world of mousewatch. For those who are unaware, there is arevival going on at my church- a revival on a mass scale. Unfortunately, it is a revival of mice. Along the deep dark corners around the church and around the parish you will the little critters gunning for world domination- Do not be fooled by their cute little furry noses.
A charter of war has been declared against the present rodent community and rest assured I will win!

2006-05-27T13:09:00.000Z

Apologies for being useless- I haven't blogged in aaages!!! I started writing a post on the problem of pain but got a little distrcted by 'Where is God when it hurts' by Philip Yancey (as you do). If you haven't read it I recomend you do.

So exams are over and I'm trying to figure out what to do with myself for the next couple of months. I need to find somewhere to live and I need to find a job. I'm not very good at having ucertainties hanging over my head and at the moment there seems to be a lot of big ones. I don't like being in a state of limbo, I like to keep busy, to be useful but I guess every now and then you are forced to slow down. Yesterday to keep myself busy I thought I'd give the house a tidy. In the process of washing up I managed to break a glass and slice my finger- it was very exciting. I'll spare you the gory details but it was bleeding for over an hour and to look at it now it really doesn't look all that impressive. Today my house is still in a mess and everything is taking twice as long to do because of my finger. Needless to say, this is not good potatoes. In general I want everything to be done by yesterday but what is the hurry? It isn't like I have a fully packed schedule for the next few days.

Patience is a virtue

2006-05-07T10:46:00.000Z

Yesterday I was at a wedding. A couple of friends of mine from my homegroup at church finally tied the knott. Despite the oh so lovely rain it was a wonderful wedding. I don't think I've ever seen Lizzy looking so radient and as as for Ben, he had this wide smile on his face all day.

They had asked me to sing In Christ alone during the signing of the regesters and I cannot tell you how nervous I was. I'm no stranger to singing in public but weddings are different, its someone's big day so you really don't want to mess it up! (not that you'd want to particularly want to mess it up in general but you get what I mean) I was absouloutely fine during the service, I walked to the back of the church during the last hymn to stand by baby grand piano and yet the nerves were still kept at bay. That was until the accompanist started playing the introduction. From then on the lower part of my body felt like the consistancy of jelly and it didn't help that one of my friends had told me she was going to film me just before I started singing. I gazed at the congregation and lo and behold, there was this camcorder pointed in my direction. Nerves aside, I thouroughly enjoyed it. I love weddings, I love being part of someone's special day and whitnessing the couple making promises before their friends, their family eahother and ultimately before God. To be asked to sing just was being asked to participate in their day and to be able to do that for two people you care about is a very special thing, to be an active part of the celebration.

And a celebration it was. Ben and Lizzy had known eachother for so long. They initially started going out together when they were twelve and had been serious about eachother for the last five years. 14 years is a very long time. I can remember when Ben was working down in Bristol two years ago, Lizzy was sat in our home group asking us to pray for patience. She really wanted to get married but it wasn't the right time. A year later, Ben had moved back to London and had planned this elaborate proposal for Lizzy and she didn't have a clue. Yesterday they got married. I am humbled and astounded by Lizzy's patience. I look at my life now and see something that is very messy and very patchy because at the moment I can't see the complete picture. And yet I'm itching to shee what the complete picture looks like. I don't know how things are going to pan out in my life and I lack the patience see how things will work out.

I'm going to be 24 next week which really scares me. I remember when I was little thinking that I'd get married when I was 24 and would have 4 kids and would be this amazing career woman as a graphics designer. Ok so I don't want to be a graphics designer and maybe 4 kids is a bit much but would I like to get married one day? Yes I would. Where I am at the moment, marrage is a long way off, maybe wont happen either. I've always felt able to trust God in who I end up marrying but since I split with my ex I have realised that I haven't been able to trust God with the possibility of staying single. I still have issues from the breakup, its as if it has left me covered in a layer of grime that gradually I'm trying to clean off. No one can see the real me yet, how I should be but gradually as I work through my issues you begin to see scratches in this layer of grime and you start so see something shining through. That is the stage I am at at the moment and it could well be a long process for so many reasons and I know that God has perfect timeing. Do I relly believe that in my heart though? Do I really have the patience to let God work in me? I find it so hard to in all honesty. But I do know God hasn't finished with me yet. I just need to have a little patience.

Happiness, Happiness, the greatest gift that I possess

2006-04-04T12:45:00.000Z

Pretty much all of the songs I've written have been really depressing- either a depressing version of Alanis Morrisette or a happy version of Radiohead. Anywhoo, my housemate Debs challenged me to write a happy song so thats what I'm doing- huzzah! I'll post up lyrics once I finish it.

In the meantime I have loads of bits and pieces to be getting on with. So short but sweet for today.

Footprints

2006-03-15T03:45:00.000Z

Did I leave any footprints in your life?
Did you take the time to look?
You didn't even notice
just erase your memories
Its easier after all

And why should you notice
What was my contribution to anyone?
Barely a picture of a former me
Noone likes the shadows

I don't want to bring you down
Its just simpy easier to hide
Its not like anyone would notice anyway
Would I really me missed?

Did I leave any footprints in your life
Did you take the time to look?
You didn't even notice
Just erase your memories
Its easier afterall

I'm staring at blank walls
There must be more than this?
And why can't I cry my tears
No one sees anyway

And how could I ever tell you
how you make me feel
How could I ever say
why are you never there for me?

Did I leave anf footprints in your life
Did you take the time to look?
You didn't even notice
Just erase your memories
Its easier afterall

For everyone else you're dependable
But you're never there for me
I'll fend for myself somehow
Its what I usually do

Its what I'm expected to do

Did I leave any footprints?
I don't think I did
If i had I wouldn't be alone now
I shouldn't be here

Did I leave any footprints?
none of you seem to notice

Did I leave any foot prints?

Just erase your memories
Its easier afterall

Did i leave any footprints?

When you try your best but you don't succeed, stuck in reverse (Coldplay)

2006-03-06T21:59:00.000Z

Its that time of year again
I should be living life in the fast line
but all I really want to do is stand still.

When all I can see is an endless barrage of coursework and essays and churning emotions I feel more than ever a need for a break. I feel like I've completely lost any sense of priority or self worth and have become a one track record that is only able to think about what appears to me to be the inevitable impending failure that lies before me.

I feel like I have spent the whole year trying to fight off a label that one who was once so near and dear to me told me and in some ways its baffling that what is mere words can colour my entire perception so strongly. But I can't shift the label. I can still here his words reverberating in my head telling me that in his expert opinion I am 'clinically depressed'. Why is it that when the medical opinion tells me its not the case I still listen to him?

Why is it that words which are said in the heat of the moment last and walk with you for a life time and what really keeps me awake at night is were those two simple words only in the heat of the moment? I feel stupid because the way I've felt and the way all this has effected me has allowed him absolution of any responsibly and has supported his theory. I've had to stand aside as a bystander and watch someone take over what was once my life and feel so isolated from friends I care about, not wanting to make them choose between us. I want to hide behind nobility and say this is the reason why but in reality when you are as messed up as I am you can't see why anyone would choose you.

So what am I left with? I feel like all my aspirations have died. My degree feels like a distant and faint hope and as for my career as a teacher, it feels like nothing more than a pipe dream. People would say that all this isn't real, this is just illness talking but maybe, just maybe its time I finally faced up to the reality that graduation is a lot further away than I hoped.

My dreams are dead and I'm all alone.

Its not easy being green

2006-02-25T22:42:00.000Z

You Are Kermit

Hi, ho! Lovable and friendly, you get along well with everyone you know.You're a big thinker, and sometimes you over think life's problems.Don't worry - everyone know's it's not easy being green.Just remember, time's fun when you're having flies!

The Muppet Personality Test

Here's one for you to ponder

2006-02-19T23:54:00.000Z

If there was a fight between one horse sized duck and onehundred duck sized horses, who would win?

Any Takers?

2006-02-10T23:42:00.001Z

Your Candy Heart Says "Marry Me"

For you, love is serious business. You don't take dating lightly.
And even if you haven't met the right person, getting married is something you expect to do soon.

Your ideal Valentine's Day date: a romantic picnic in the park

Your flirting style: subtle and calculating

What turns you off: short term flings

Why you're hot: you're a hopeless romantic with each new relationship

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

Alas- A happy post

2006-02-10T22:41:00.000Z

'He (Douglas Adams)describes Halford as an inspirational teacher who is still a support. "He once gave me ten out of ten for a story, which was the only time he did throughout his long school career. And even now, when I have a dark night of the soul as a writer and think I can't do this anymore, the thing that I reach for is not the fact that I have had best-sellers or huge advances. It is the fact that Frank Halford once gave me a ten out of ten, and at some fundamental level I must be able to do it."'

(Taken from the Salmon of Doubt by Douglas Adams)

My love for Douglas Adams made me buy this book. I've been wanting to read it for ages. This quote seems to ring very true at the moment. (Well, not literally obviously- no clue who Frank Halford is)

What are the things we cling to in the darker days? The days where we feel everything is hopeless and in all honestly, in my life it often feels that there is no draught of them. Kind words and actions seem to speak volumes. Lately I seem to be almost boasting because I've been hovering at a great low for quite some time, however, I'm not alone. I thank God often that there are people around who have offered me their shoulder to lean on, help me get by. I find it very hard when it gets to 2am, you feel all alone, don't want to ring anyone because its too late and tend to start wallowing, when I feel like I can't do this anymore. When people can't be there, I've found their king words are. I've found that when I don't believe in myself, there are those who do believe in me and that means the world.

When I think about all these guys who have been there for me over the years and especially in the past few weeks and months it suppresses me how many people have been there for me. I'm not going to embarrass people and name everyone but they all know who they are.
Thankyou.

I apologise the soppy sentiment. Will endeavor to be less soppy next time and return to my mediocre depressing song lyrics!

The End of One Day Soon

2006-02-04T02:17:00.000Z

It seems hard to let it go
Bitter tears and shattered dreams
I'm tired of playing all these semantic word games
I still don't know what happened

I still don't feel ready to move on
But I guess I have no choice
Every time I see you with her
Reminds me how easy I'm replaced

I still don't know what I did wrong
I guess that you were never mine
And now its time to let you go
This is the end of one day soon

This was never my choice
Just expected to follow your lead
And somewhere on the way got hopelessly lost
But at least now I know where I stand

I still don't know what I did wrong
I guess that you were never mine
And now its time to let you go
This is the end of one day soon

You always disliked me dreaming
But played Makebelieve a while
Do you blame me when this is real life?
I never makebelieved my heart
I never makebelieved my heart

I still don't know what I did wrong
I guess that you were never mine
And now its time to let you go
This is the end of one day soon

This is the end of one day soon

This is the end of one day soon

Interesting!

2006-01-16T21:04:00.000Z

You are a Black Coffee

At your best, you are: low maintenance, friendly, and adaptable
At your worst, you are: cheap and angsty
You drink coffee when: you can get your hands on it
Your caffeine addiction level: high

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

If you seek, you will find

2006-01-09T18:21:00.000Z

click the left mouse button on the first x and drag it accross to the other x.

X Even when you can't see him, God is there X

Dance your cares away, worries for another day, Let the music Play, Down at Fraggle Rock

2006-01-06T18:24:00.001Z

You are Wembley Fraggle.

Which Fraggle Rock Character Are You?
brought to you by

Happy New Year

2006-01-01T09:15:00.000Z

It's 1st January 2006, its a new year and how do I choose to see in the new year? By writing yet another depressing song. For a change.

Its that time of year
For new beginnings and resolutions
And promises made that you know will be be broken by this time tomorrow
And I'm sitting here
Wondering, praying, feeling, hoping
I will achieve these things this year

That I'll be a good girl
That I'll be brave
That I'll be happy, healthy and a little more Godly
But by this time tomorrow
My head will be a mess
But I'm still hoping
And clinging to this dream

And I dream
That I claim my life back, live each moment
And feel secure in the hope I know is mine
And I dream
I wont just get by but I'll fly away
And saw above with eagles.

And I'll be a good girl
And I'll be brave
And I'll be happy, healthy and a little more Godly
But by this time tomorrow
My head will be a mess
But I'm Still hoping
And clinging to this dream.

Its that time again
I push aside all my disappointments
Of last year's shattered, broken, lost dreams
But What I fear
Is that all that haunts me and scares my soul
Will always remain, will always be here

If I be a good girl
If I be brave
If I be happy, healthy a little more Godly
But by this time tomorrow
My head will be a mess
But I'm still hoping
And clinging to this dream

Thanksgiving

2005-12-12T01:29:00.000Z

Yesterday my homegroup had a belated thanksgiving. I never would have thought of topping sweet potatoes with marshmallows. Sounds revolting but its sooooo good. The best bit about thanksgiving though has to be the bit every person says what they are thankful for. You sit there listening to all these different things and realise how blessed you are, how many gifts God lavishes on us.

Its not often that my course helps to strengthen what a believe but a few weeks ago I had to read through the whole of the book of Leviticus for a lecture. Now most people would suggest that if you want to read the whole bible cover to cover, Leviticus is not the place to start. The reason why is because its full of so many rules and regulations, covering so many different things from sin offerings to how to treat mildew. A lot of people say its really dull but I really enjoyed reading it. I enjoyed reading it because it shows how holy God is. So holy that only one person can have access to God for one day a year in the holy of holies. For everyone to be right with God, there were so many things that had to be done. It really makes you thankful for Jesus. Reading Leviticus and following the law seems so hard. I'd struggle to remember all these different sacrifices and practices never mind actually being able to carry them out. I'd never be able to do it and I'd never be able to come to a place where I can sit in God's presence and just be. Because of what Jesus did for me, for mankind on the cross 2000 years ago I can cme before the heavenly throne and worship him-its pretty amazing. We have this very cushy fuzzy understanding of God's love and frequently forget about how holy God is. He can not and will not tolerate sin. Leviticus makes that very clear. I shouldn't be anywhere near God. I could never be good enough no matter what I do, how hard I try. But because of Jesus, I can come into God's presence, rest in him, be with him, talk to him and be his child, all because one man was the perfect sacrifice. And for that I am thankful.

Fix You

2005-12-06T15:38:00.000Z

Time:3:40pm
Where:home missing lecture
Drinking:Tea
Wearing:Jeans and hoodie
Thinking:I hate life
Listening to :Fix you by coldplay (I know coldplay is a little depressing but go with me on this one)

That song could be the sound track of my life at the moment. I feel really low and I'm trying to piece together all the shards of my life. I was talking to the college chaplain earlier and he said that God's not going to let me go. I believe that I really do. (this is where stubbornness comes in handy). I know he wont. It just sometimes helps to have someone else say it.

I'd never paid so much attention to the lyrics before and they just seem to really speak into the situation that I'm in right now, how I'm thinking, how I'm feeling. I feel really strongly that these lyrics would be what God is trying to say to me right now.

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

Broken

2005-12-05T21:17:00.000Z

I feel a house of cards has fallen
I feel hopelessly alone
I feel I am lost without him
I feel I am broken

I feel used and rejected
I feel tears fall down my face
I feel every day is harder
I feel I am broken

I feel empty and I'm useless
I feel torn and I'm bruised
I feel hope no longer lives here
I feel I am broken

I feel inside I am screaming
I feel I wish I was numb
I feel this pain is never ending
I feel I am broken

Aparently I'm an Idealist

2005-12-03T21:07:00.000Z

I did this quiz and both me and my house mate Debs think that this sums me up quite well.

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF)
You are a passionate, caring, and unique person.You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals.
You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily.Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings.
You seek out other empathetic people to befriend.Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships.
In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily.
At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career.
With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone.
As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style.
On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test

busy busy busy

2005-11-01T11:20:00.000Z

"We're busy doing nothing working the whole day through

t't it just trying to find lots of things not to do

We're busy going nowhere isn't it just a crime

We'd like to be unhappy but

We we never do have the time"

I wish.

My version

I'm busy doing lots- don't have time to write a song

Just floating by

2005-10-27T16:44:00.000Z

I'm finally going to see the Wallace and gromit film this evening. I don't care that its a kiddies film- really I never left my childhood. It's the break I need form the barrage of course work. I'm up to my eyeballs in my dissertation not to mention an essay on Duetoronomy 12-26 to be working on. As usual I seem to lull about as though I'm on a mechanical converyorbelt until every so often someone gives me a prod and I realise that there is life beyond my degree. A scary thought admittedly because it means I need to do a lot of thinking about my future which is straggle because until a couple of years ago I never really thought I had one.

I just feel so tired at the moment, drained even and its when I'm in this state I forget what is going on around me. I forget about all the blessings in life. I forget all of God's promises to me. I forget all the people that are around me because all I want to do right now is sleep. I was talking to one of the freshers this afternoon and she reminded of some amazing stuff from Christian union on Tuesday. We run around living our lives filling it with stuff that really isn't that important. We do degrees and then at the end of 3 years think what now. We think that things like careers, relationships and job, qualifications will fulfill us and make us truly happy but then we qualify, find a relationship, find thee job of our dreams and yet still feel empty. Why do we always think that the grass is greener on the other side? We strive for things that are really nice and likened to shiny things but they don't really matter. The bottom line is that I believe every human being has a God shaped hole in them and we are trying to ignore that hole. We are trying to fill it with anything and everything we can think of that we think is desirable and then are unsatisfied. I can't help thinking that I keep on doing this, going to lectures, writing essays, filling my days with meetings- prayer meetings even and yet I'm still ignoring this God shaped hole. I often don't think about what I'm doing, I don't recognize that I'm living my life as though I'm on a production line until someone comes along and reminds me that life isn't about getting a nice cushy 9-5 Job(8-3:30 for teachers!). Life is about worship. I was created to worship God and I spend too much time not doing it. I just let myself float along, not thinking, not feeling, just getting on and yet wondering why I feel so flat.

Panic!!!

2005-05-05T14:54:00.000Z

I have my first exam tomorrow and I don't know anything. Too much stuff and too many blokes with German names that all sound the same. Es gipt nischt gut!!! Me not liking this exam thi ng. I am so not prepared for this exam its not funny. Tomorrow's is the worst of the lot of them. I just can't wait till its over.
As well at that, I still haven't sorted my dissertation. I've got work comingm out of my ears!

Finally!

2005-05-05T09:22:00.000Z

It took the Carphone warehouse 5 days to finally connect my phone. It works- I can make calls and send text messages and everything- trae exciting. I know I know, its no big deal really but I am a mobile phone junkie. I feel lost without it and when most people only have your mobile number I did feel a bit like I'd lost touch with the world. I still need to write a nasty letter of complaint to the carphone warehouse. I might try and bill them for all the money I spenk calling various call centres to get my phone fixed. I'd probably be lucky if I even manage to get an appology out of them. Normally I'd just let it go and not use that company again but I'm stuck with a 12 month contract with them now. I just have to ride it out and hope and pray that nothing else goes wrong. I must admit that it was slightly amusing when one of the call centre people' advice for me was to pray! Which I did do eventually! It just seemed in my head that it was such a silly trivial prayer and was wasting God's time which is rediculous. We can take all things to God. I spend so much time pointing this out to everyone else but somethimes I just have to listen to my own advice.When I finally prayed, my phone started working 2 hours later. It would have sounded like such a silly prayer to make but in the end it was the hundreds of thousands on top of the icing on the cake. When your stress levels are so high that you start crying over a phone I guess you've got to stand back from your pride and let God in. I keep on learning this lesson and re-learning it. Its amazing how quickly you forget things when the slightest bit of stress comes your way.

Carphone Warehouse are Evil

2005-04-29T10:51:00.000Z

Never buy anything from the carphone warehouse. I decided the other week to change my contract. They told me it would take 10 days- fair enough. However my phone was supposed to be connected 3 days ago. My orange phone has been disconnected- I have no mobile phone- I'm going nuts!!! So far I reckon I have spent at least an hour and a half phoning various call centres, being sent from pillar to post and so far my phone still doesn't work- grrrrr!!! I never knew how many incompetent people there are working in call centres! The standard phone call seems to be me listening to some automated message for about 5 minutes, then being put on hold to listen to awful on hold music (although the last one gave me Sheryl Crow to listen to - not great but definitely an improvement on all the other stuff), then I finally get through to someone, explain the situation, then they hum and hare over which department I should be put through to, only to be put through another automated voice message, then put on hold again- more ghastly music, then finally to speak to another human being as incompetent as the first who suggests I go back and phone orange, then I point out that I no longer have an account with orange, then I get put through to Carphone warehouse O2, more of that delightful on hold music, finally get through to someone, explain the whole situation again and to be told that there was a technical fault, they will try to get my phone sorted as soon as possible and the best advice they can give me is to turn my phone off and check it every hour in case my phone is sorted. Oh and of course, they are very sorry. So far I have had 4 or 5 conversations that have gone like this. Oh what joy.

AAAHGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

The day of the mundane

2005-04-23T16:31:00.000Z

So much to do, so little time, all of it dull. I've got revision coming out of my ears, essays to write, notes to sort, prayer meetings to organize, dissertation to decide...I feel like I have once again turned into an auto-pilot zombie lacking any emotional capacity to notice what on earth is going on. The best thing is that I have another month of this. I guess I'm trying not to think about it because when I finally do, it will dawn on me how much trouble I'm in because I have no time or brain! Until that great awakening, I'll just carry on flitting around vacantly.

Dedicated to Deborah

2005-04-05T17:14:00.000Z

I have had my wrist slapped and have been severely reprimanded by my housemate for not blogging frequently enough. This is my attempt to make amends to all you wonderful people who oh so love to read my blogs. Since my last blog, Luke has met my mum and my best friend.(fast mover) My mum now seems to think she has a second son and KT sent me a text saying "I like this one, I think you should keep him". Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!! I suppose I could feed and water him and take him for walks round the blocks every day.
My college work actually is getting done now. I've been reading all about the early church fathers, about Justin Martyr and Iranaeus of Lyon and other such patristic authors. Very interesting. Problem is that my essay in on the council of Chalcedon and not patristics but its kind of related. Its giving me the background I need for my essay. Oh what fun essays are. I really hate essays- why oh why did i choose to do a theology degree!
I really want to write lots of stuff about Luke but I fear I am verging on the nauseating. I think if I mention his name again, Deborah might possibly hit me. Or Pete will. Or both! Pete and I want to the Brixton academy on Saturday to see Feeder and all I could talk about was how depressingly and blissfully happy I was. I think Pete's praying for me.
Hmmmm, I wonder what I should cook for my small group on Thursday. Well- it was only a matter of time before I started talking about food again. I shall have a ponder.
Maybe ratatoue.
Hmmmmmmmmmmm

The makings of a happy carrot

2005-03-31T14:01:00.000Z

Skippy is a very happy carrot indeed. The reason why responds to the name of Luke! I am currently in a state of nauseating bliss and loving every minute of it!Having had a long...No wait sorry- a very long conversation on Friday night and by long I mean around about 4 hours, My mate Luke and I decided that actually we really quite like each other so now we are the latest CU couple casualty. I think Deborah is despairing of the endless phone calls and text messages. (well- if we're going to be really nauseating, we've got to do it properly!) I get the strong impression that she really wants to say eewwwwwwwwwww yuck! But this far she has been quite restrained.
Since Friday, I have met his family and they are really lovely. I don't do things by halves- by his family I mean, mum dad, brother, granddad, aunts and cousins. I think his family think I'm really keen. I just like to look at it as getting it over and done with. Having said that though, his family are really lovely. That and his mum got out the baby photos! Luke ofcourse was really appreciative of that one. They were rather disappointingly thin on the ground on embarrassing stories. They weren't able to tell me anything Luke hadn't already told me, with the exception of one story which I couldn't possibly repeat!
Having survived the family, we got round to having our first date yesterday. Before we started seeing eachother, I wouldn't have had Luke down as a soppy one. He took me to see Pooh's heffalump movie- tre cool. True to form, I got very excited every time I saw Eeyore. I then spent the next couple of hours trying and failing miserably to prize out of Luke where we were going for dinner. Now this is the really slushy bit- sick bags at the ready- He took me for a dinner cruise along the Thames- very swanky! I think I spent the first half hour going' oh my Goodness- I can't believe you've done this!'. We then proceeded to try and suss out what all the glasses were for. This was one of those dinners where you get so many sets of cutlery that you don't know what to do with. Again, I wouldn't have had Luke down as such a romantic. I don't think he'll be able to live this down fro quite a while. I did try and tell him that I would have been perfectly happy with a bag of chips from the chip van at waterloo but hey! He said he wanted to give me an eveing that I'd always remember and I don't think I will be forgetting it in a hurry.
Best thing of all- he bought me a bag of haribo. Alas- I am easily pleased!

Thumper is not a clever bunny rabbit!

2005-03-19T22:14:00.000Z

Yesterday's events of great hilarity saw me being rechristened thumper as a result of the dregs of my tea masala and me managing to get chili in my eye. Oh what a smart cookie I am for that one. I don't think I've ever been in so much pain. I made myself a lovely stirfry for dinner and put a nice green chili in it it was really yummy. I forgot to wash my hands though and rubbed my eye, ran round the house screaming and then held the shower head over my eye. Then decided that having to kneel on the bathroom floor in what was probably the most uncomfortable position ever was not the way forward and besides that, I really wanted to eat the rest of my dinner so I then spent the next 20 minutes with an ice-cube wrapped in a tissue over my eye. Oh what fun.
I'm loving this glorious sunny weather. It feels like summer again. For some reason, the sun shine put me in such a good mood that I wanted to get my college work done so I spent the afternoon reading Owen Chadwick's Religion in the Victorian era, volume 1 (a must for every insomniac) whilst watching the rugby. Which was nice.
I do however still need to write an essay for Monday. I am so behind in my college work now. Personally I like to blame my lea for getting me suspended but hey.

The health plan

2005-03-11T00:16:00.000Z

I keep on telling myself (and my housemates) that I'm going to watch what I eat and am going to go running round Kennington park every week. Since I moved in, I have been running once. So the active part is going well. As for the eating part- I'd like to draw your attention to my previous post. Yes- I really did eat an entire strudel but it was good. Just had a conversation on messenger with my mate Stu. Bit odd. Haven't seen or spoken to him in ages. Its funny how friendships fade with time. We used to get on really well and I saw him almost every day when I was working in Cambridge but now I hardly see him. I could name so many people I know like that. People who you think of and wonder how they're getting on quite often but never get around to ringing them. Then you get to the akward point where you feel as though you've left it too long so you don't speak to them. If I were to go through my mobile and look at my address book, there will be people on it whop I haven't spoken to in months, years even. There's even some people who I can't even remember who they are. Why do I leave things so long.
I keep telling myself I need to be fitter, healthier, more organised, I take notice for a couple of days and then go back to bad habbits. Must do some college work.hmmmmmmmmm...

Quote of the Week

2005-03-09T11:36:00.000Z

I was so depressed I ate a whole strudel.

I'll never say life is dull again!

2005-03-07T13:07:00.000Z

Haven't posted in ages- whoopsie!!!
What an eventful week I had last week. On Thursday I got home from college, knowing that my suspension over tuition fees was imminent to receive two letters. I open the first one which was from my lea saying that they were going to be paying my tuition fees- result. I thought 'hoorah!' I can take it tomorrow so I wont get suspended. Then I opened the next letter- 'you have been suspended in accordance with college regulation 2:2:3:whatever! NoT good! So I had to run into college on Friday- my day off- to sort it all out. Apparently as its my lea that have messed up, the suspension wont be going on my permanent record. Praise God it didn't stop me from going to any lectures. Technically I shouldn't have gone in on Thursday but I didn't know I'd been suspended.
I've finally got round to taking Clive round to the laptop doctors to get fixed. The discovery that Clive was still under guarantee was a nice happy one. Unfortunately the lovely people at John Lewis said that it would take 3-6 weeks to make Clive all better again. Fortunately the people at John Lewis (did I mention that they are lovely?!) have lent me a temporary laptop to use SO I can get m,y essays done-whoohoo!
So there I was with Mr Temporary laptop, blissfully unaware that it didn't have a floppy drive. I don't have a printer and It wouldn't let me save on to CD and I don't have one of those sticky things either- not that a sticky thing would do much good because the collage computers are so archaic that they don't have sticky thing sockets. In the end I had to install the internet and sign up for a free internet trial so I could e-mail my essay to myself so I could print it off in college!
So the state of play at the moment is this- I have laptop, I can work all hours of the night if my heart desires, I'm now writing the Nth overdue essay (I lost count a long time ago) And I've lost my ID card-bother!!!
On the plus side, I had a CU leadership training weekend last weekend which was fab. We were looking at the book of 2 Timothy. Fantastic book- if you haven't read it- you must! I found it really encouraging to look at a church leader who was really young, was about to loose his personal friend and mentor, was scared, was losing people from the church left right and centre, was ridiculed and feeling really timid and felt like giving up. How many times in my life do I feel like that. I used to thing that all the guys in the bible were ok- they were really sorted and as the years went on we just gradually messed things up. Then I actually read the bible- these guys make the same mistakes we do, mess up just as frequently and yet God used them to do amazing things. I'm not a natural born leader, I know that but I know that God has called me to be the CU prayer secretary. Not because I'm some super spiritual and amazing intercessor but because I am a real person who has real issue and through those things God can really work in my life and shine through. Through my weaknesses God can do his thing and achieve amazing things.
Wherever I'm at and whatever I'm doing, I can always come to God in prayer although I don't always when I need to (I'm working on it) I am a very busy person due to the fact that I'm drowning in a see of essays. In by business something gets pushed aside. That something should be TV or something like that but more often than not It's my quiet times that get pushed aside. In the grand scheme of things, that should be the last thing I push aside- there is nothing more important that spending time with God trough reading the Bible and to come to the Almighty in prayer. That should be the last thing that should be pushed to one side. There is nothing more important, especially when you are busy than to slow down for a bit and come into God's presence and to rest in him for a while.
I feel that as Prayer sec I have got so much to learn but right now I am really aware of God working with me and through me. 7 months ago I would never have prayer out loud. I'm now leading prayer meetings and trying to encourage the CU to pray. I feel that God's going to do amazing things but he can only do those things if I take the time to let him.

Pigs really do fly

2005-01-15T18:48:00.000Z

I went for a run on Thursday- hurrah! I think both my housemates were quite supprised but miracles do happen- I went running. I am still aching because I didn't warm up properly- should really learn how to do that. I'm sat in the college computer room trying to type up an essay on the colloquy of Marburg (just smile and knod) although I managed to bring all my notes with me except the ones I actually needed-whoops! Ah well, any whoo I like to think of it as a test of memory- see how much I can remember. Unfortunately I can only remember enough to write about 500 words so Mr essay is going have to wait until tomorrow to be finished. I'm going to go home and have a nice cup of tea.

On a spiritual note- yes I'm going to get all deep now! I've been reading through Judges at the moment- as you do- thought it would be interesting and I can't help thinking that on one level it's a metaphor of my life. Judges follows the Israelites and tells us how basically they completely ignore God, mess up pretty spectacularly and then Get to a point where they actually think- hold on a minute- whoopsie! God, please help us because we're completely useless and we need you desperately. Then God appoints a judge, and then all is well for about 40 years. I do that so often. Despite being a Christian for what- 7 years or so, I still keep on trying to do things in my own strength, failing miserably then crying out- 'Lord help me' and then everything is rosy. Then I go back to trying to deal with things in my own strength. I had one of those moments the other day when this situation came up and my first instinct was to run away. I prayed about it and as I was praying I had this song called he is Yahweh stuck in my head. There's this one line in it which goes- 'The great I AM, he is Yahweh'. I just got this really strong sense that God was trying to say to me 'The Great I AM, I am Yahweh. I am able and I will help you. That kind of blew me away. It still amazes me that no matter how many times I screw up, God still wants me, has plans for me and delights in me. All I can really say is wow. Maybe kow I noticed this pattern in me, I can go on and do something about it. God is amazing.

Back to the grind stone

2005-01-10T14:24:00.000Z

Alas- I survived the merriment of Christmas to return to yet another year of hope fulfilling new years resolutions that I will inevitably break.
I feel refreshed to have had time off but still have ended up with just as much work to do. My efforts of writing lots of essays were thowted by the inconveniently timed death of my beloved laptop. I was trying to type up my essay on Friday. I have been having problem's recently with the laptop's battery- in that is doesn't seem to work anymore. AC power still seemed to surfice until it just died on me. I thought that maybe taking the battery out and putting it back in again might help- don't know why, I'm not technologically minded, it just seemed like a good idea at the time. As I took the battery out I could hear something rattling about inside it. I though 'this is not a good sign'. I then tilted the laptop on its side and out of the place where you put the battery in, a little, tiny screw fell out and I thought to myself 'this is definitely not a good sign!'
I had to resist the urge to go and hunt down our screwdrivers to opened up my laptop and replace the screw but decided that my insurance probably wouldn't cover acts of stupidity. I now have to take my laptop somewhere to be repaired and be charged extortionate amounts of money which I do not have for the prevailed. Yay!

I've decided that I'm going to start running again. Something I've always said I'm going to do and am still telling myself that I'm going to do it and eventually I actually will do it! I am ridiculously unfit. It would be nice to turn up to a lecture without feeling like I've just run the London marathon because I'm running late and have to run up 6 flights of stairs! Alternatively I could just turn up on time but it really doesn't seem to make a difference how early I wake up, I inevitably still will end up running late. No- really must start running, I promised Deborah I would, and it would be kind of nice to look half decent at KT'S wedding. Hmmm, may go running later this afternoon....Well... Lets not go crazy. I do still need to go to tesco's! And get my laptop fixed, failing that- find a scrap metal merchant. Anyone know any?

In Loving Memory

2004-12-17T15:01:00.000Z

I spent lunchtime today with a group of friends in Pizza hut. The look of panic on the face of the unsuspecting waiter showed us instantly that where-ever we were put, it would be a bit of a squish. Ah well- we're all friends, just meant we had to be a little friendly.
It's a good day to be around friends because today is Fiona's anniversary. This day last year I got that horrendous phone call from Mark telling me that she'd died. It seems strange that its been a year already and yet at the same time, only a year. I'd spent the past week debating whether I should go to Pizza hut with everyone and decided, that's not what she would have wanted. That and you should show that you appreciate people when they're still with you, not worrying afterwards about the things you wish you'd said but never got the chance.

So, this one's for Fi. And if she was here right now, she would be laughing at my Christmas present from Luke. I now have to spend the rest of the day running round with a pink fluffy cushion. Wonder what Dr Sanchez will say when he sees me with it- especially seeing as I've named it Tellula.

Desperate need of zzzzzzzzz's!

2004-12-14T14:03:00.000Z

I couldn't sleep atall last night. I was really tired, but couldn't get of to sleep. By the time it got to half 4 in the morning I just gave up and got out of bed. And what does one do when they are sleep deprived? I baked a cake.

I have to say it's really unfortunate having no sleep before the longest of days. I had to go in at ten this morning- not to bad so far but here's the bad bit- for a 3 hour lecture. I'm now in the middle of a 2 hour break and then I've got another 2 hour lecture, A one hour lecture which clashes with my other lecture followed by a rehearsal for the CU carol service. I'm struggling already an I don't believe in pro-plus! What's a girl to do? Must find some sweeties and other such sugary yumminess.

Calvin owes me haribo!

2004-12-13T15:30:00.000Z

Have been doing lots of Christmas shopping lately and as always, ended up buying lots of stuff for myself- not good! I went shopping in Brixton on Friday (not as scary as everyone makes out- I think people just say its rough so that when they go there they can make out that they're really hard) and I ended up buying myself a pair of shoes. I went shopping on Saturday and ended up buying myself a new coat. The coat I can justify though- there were only 2 left both in my size. And here's the best bit- the coat was originally £99. I bought it for £20! Bargain if ever I saw one.

After spending much of the weekend shopping I resigned myself to getting lots of work done before leaving at half 2 for a rehearsal at church. That went completely out the window as I seem to have the need to fulfill the student stereotype by sleeping in until 20 to 1! After waking, dazed in a state of semi-consciousness I heard someone bang on our front door. I debated ignoring it but an attack of conscious made me drag myself out of bad at that embarrassingly late hour to answer the door. It was big Dave. 45 minutes and 1 cup of of tea later he left, leaving me an hour to have a bath, eat lunch and get done all the work I'd proposed to do that morning. Something had to be sacrificed and ofcourse- it was my college work!

Having spent the next hour and 15 minutes faffing about, I finally left for church and was late for my rehearsal- why break a habit of a life time. I'm sure I must be getting a reputation for this by now. The subsequent rehearsal was quite entertaining due to the amount of sight singing I had to do-with out music! And just to add the icing on the cake Calvin asked me to sing an Acapella solo verse of be thou my vision. Which I sang- aren't I wonderful! The beginning of the service, Calvin says I'm going to sing this solo verse so there was no backing out, gives me a start note and I start singing. Half way through the first line, I realize that what I'm singing is far too low for me to the point it's right at the bottom of my vocal range. The result- something hideously out of tune, although what makes me giggle is that no-one noticed! I had 11 people after the service tell me how wonderful I sang and what a lovely voice I have. Quite embarrassing really. I don't know what it is about me but I don't seem to handle praise too well. I don't like being in the limelight, its just not me. I want to just sing and forget all about it, not have a conversation with a group of people about random stuff and then for someone to walk past on the way out and say 'nice singing, you sang well' and then for the conversation to turn to what a lovely voice I have. The thought of crawling under arose to hide at that very moment crossed my mind but the absence of any rock for me to crawl under made that a little problematic. Maybe in the future I should stand at the front and sing with a brown paper bag on my head. Hey- it would match my new shoes!

the wonderful world of computers!

2004-12-02T13:48:00.000Z

I spent ages on tuesday writing a blog all about my lovely weekend in Southampton only for the stupid lousy computer to loose it for me. Today, the computer was oh so kind to recover it for me so once again all is alright with the world.
I couldn't sleep last night so I decided to give myself a manicure. I was very bored and very creative and in the tired, half asleep state I was in, decided that it would be a good idea to paint little pictures on my nails. Ofcourse I made a complete mess and vowed to take it all off this morning. Never plan to do anything in the morning- you will inevitably over-sleep. Guess what I did?! I had to go into college with messy nails and couldn't chip the varnish of for the life of me. Laura and Sarah-Jane both laughed at me. *sigh* I've decided that that is justification for extensive amount of chocolate and other yummy stuff. The diet starts tomorrow.

Southampton Doesn't have a beach!

2004-11-30T13:02:00.000Z

Having had the week from hell, stressing about anything and everything I decided that the best thing to do was, and I quote Monty Python here- 'RUN AWAY!', successfully adopting the thanks giving dinner at my house for 15 people Deborah invited. Turkey isn't my thing, however I did try to make stuffing balls for her and managed to burn my hands several times in the process. Possibly because we used boiling water in the mixture.

So, my genius de-stress plan was to run off to Southampton to stay with Laura and Iain for a couple of days to chill. Far away enough to get away from everything and they seemed happy enough for me to invite myself.

Friday was spent shopping upon the realization that Southampton beach was completely repaced by the doc (may be at university but am still a bit slow!). Come to think of it, shopping is no bad consolation. I did have every intention on starting my Christmas shopping ofcourse and I did look but alas, as per usual I spent ridiculous amounts of money on myself. (good cure to stress if ever I came across one)

It was so good so see Laura and Iain. I finally gave them their wedding present which had been sitting in the corner of my bedroom since the beginning of July. 4 and a half months- that's a strong effort! I have never seen anyone so excited about storage jars. One can only assume that it was a case of simple things! I have to admit, it was quite exciting how they matched all their other kitchen utensils- I have a simple mind too! Iain then decided to wash them out before using them and was gutted that he had to wait for them to dry. I helpfully suggested he used Laura's hair-dryer to dry them. He took me seriously!

Friday evening I found myself categorizing someone's leaving party and showing my mastery skill at playing giant pick-up sticks. The fact that I'd helped Laura to make some home-made tzanziki (zanzoozoo as she called it!) helped a little bit so I didn't feel so awkward. That and a glass of wine. I don't think any of us had expected the party to go on until so late. We left at 3am. Arrived in Southampton at 4am. I got to sleep at 5am then woke up around half 9 and couldn't get back to sleep.

I returned to London feeling empowered, able to take the world on and feeling a little silly for thinking that a bad day was justification for dropping out of my course to arrive home to a tidy house- nice! As I sat in my living room I'd noticed an extra 4 empty bottles of wine on our window sill- and then there were 11. Apparently people were commenting at thanks giving about all the empty wine bottles and both my housemates informed everyone that they don't drink wine so now everyone probably thinks I have a drink problem. (just for the record- I didn't buy any of the bottles on the window sill and in total I've probably only drunk 2 glasses of wine since I moved into my house.

So now I look like an alcoholic, I didn't get any shopping done and I didn't get to go to the beach on account of Southampton not having one. Oh happy day!

a little help from my friends

2004-11-19T15:56:00.000Z

I wasn't going to post today, I've been feeling a little bit down and miserable and wanting to hide. Then my friend Umaima sent me this e-mail. I thought I couldn't ignore it. There's no point in pretending your something your not and I just felt I should post this beacuse I am a real person, not a robot stuck in happy mode all the time. The fact is, I may be happy most of the time but then I have my moments. Everyone does. Friendship means letting other people see your bad bits instad of trying to hide them away.

Somewhere between the *procrastination* and the homework..

and the incessant forwards and the friendships

and the calls to each other complaining about CrUsHeS

and BF/GF!! Somewhere between the phone calls to oldfriends and the "I miss you's",

the "I love you's" andthe "What are we doing tonight's?"

And somewhere between all of the changing and growing...

somewhere between the classes and the skippingclasses...

and the StUdYiNg for teStS...

And thePRETENDING to "StUdY" for TeStS...

And the downright NOT StUdYiNg for TeStS...

I forgot--I forgot what ScHooL was all about.

Somewhere between all the appointments, starbucks or BO'S coffee,

and McDonald's... paying bills and then not paying bills...

Making plans then breaking plans...

Appearing, Disappearing, then reappearing...

I forgot--I forgot what it was like to cry.

I forgot that pretending to be happy doesn't make you happy...

A nd that pretending tobe SmArT doesn't make you smart ..

I forgot that you can't just forget the past infear of the FUTURE...

I forgot that you can't control falling in LoVe..

And that you can't make yourself fall in *LoVe*.... I learned that I can LOVE...

I learned that it's okay to MEsS UP.... And it's okay to ask for HELP!!!..

And it's okay to feel like crap... I learned it's okay to cOmPLaiN

and wHINe to all your friends for a whole day........

I learned that sometimes the things you want most you just can't have

and the things that you look for are right in front of you.

I learned that the greatest thing about HiGh ScHOoL and CoLLeGe

and the working world it isn't about the parties or the DRiNKiNG or the Hookups ...
It's the *FrIeNdShIpS*, which means taking chances.

I learned that sometimes the things we want to forget

are the things which we most need to talk about...

I learned that TIME and LOVE can heal all things...

I learned that just when you think it can't get worse - it does!

...but with the love and support of friends - you survive...

I've learned that when you start feeling BaD about L O S I N G touch

and about those that you've lost!

They too, are feeling the same way....
I learned that letters from friends are the most important things.

And that sending cards to your friends makes you feel better!

But, basically, I just learned that my friends........

Both old and new.....

are the most important people to me in the world AND

.......without them, I wouldn't be who I am today

Public speaker available for Christenings and bar mitzvahs!

2004-11-16T13:22:00.000Z

I had to do a debate today for my Martin Luther course.
Despite all the nerves, shaking like a leaf, panicking in the morning over not reading enough, creative use of a board pen, etc, I triumphed and prevailed in an outstanding victory! Well I would have done if we'd bothered to vote anyway.
I have to say right this minute I feel ready to take the world on. Adrenaline is wonderful stuff.
I know, I know- it may well be one small step for man but its a giant leap for me. I still can't believe that I actually volunteered to stand up in front of a class of people to argue a point that initially I didn't agree with.

Well, now that's out of the way I have to start my many millions of essays. First one due next week and then I have one a week- whey-hey! Its going to be Elena the party animal from here on in obviously! I say that but mind you I don't get out much- getting out requires too much effort and I am essentially a lazy mare. Ok, so that's a bit harsh, lets say I'm just a creature of habit, a habit of sitting in front of the TV and not moving until I need either food or sleep- depending on which comes first!

I've written myself a to-do list for this week of 28 things. So far I've done 2 things on the list so I think its going well! Usually what happens when I write these things is I manage to get all the little mundane things dome but anything that actually requires lots of work generally gets left to the next week! Ah well- you know what they say; never do today what you can put off until tomorrow!

Picture of Productivity

2004-11-10T17:19:00.000Z

My aspirations of attempting to get two essays done during reading week are rapidly going out the window. So far my sum achievements of this week are writing an article for the student papaer and having lots of fun in tescos! Such is the exciting life I lead.

I'm cooking for my homegroup tomorrow evening. My culinary creation will be the ultimate veggie dish- vegetable lasagne.I challenge you to go to any house as a vegetarian,I tell you nine times out of ten they give you lasagne. This is ofcourse if you are not living in cambridge- there they give you nut roast! Having wowed my small group previously with my chocolate fudge cake I feel I have a reputation to maintain.

Ah well, tomorrow is another day. With a bit of luck I'll get some work done besides getting creative in the kitchen and Meeting the RTSF woman for a chat.
I am an optomist after all!